Crying - Are All Our Tears Worth It?

I had a client recently and she told me that she's been crying for months, but it didn't seem to have brought her any real relief. She said she was told crying was healthy and healing, but even though she cried regularly and often to exhaustion, it didn’t seem to have any positive effect. So I explained that in my observation, there are two distinct types of crying: one brings healing, and one may even have the opposite effect.

(A) Crying Associated With Avoiding Our Pain

The crying that happens in a child who doesn't want a needle does nothing to actually relieve the child's pain, worry, or fear about getting the needle. It will go on, and persist, for as long as you tell the child, "Dear, you have to have a shot..."

It could last the entire day, but there is no relief from these tears whatsoever, because this crying is the "Crying Of Avoidance".

The child’s intention here is not to vent pain,
instead the child’s intention here is to avoid pain.

There is no desire to move forward in this child, there is only a desire to keep desperately complaining about and resisting doing what is being asked of her. She wants others to feel her pain and fear, to have mercy, and to stop asking her to comply. She hopes her tears will have the effect of making others back down, give up, and ultimately concede to her will.

(B) Crying Associated With Facing Our Pain

The crying that happens in a child who faces the pain of what life brings, will be very short-lived. After receiving a needle, tears may last several minutes, but they will soon taper down, and disappear.

The child's intention here is to vent away the pain of facing and accepting what life has brought. In this crying, there is a clear desire to move forward and let go of the pain, and come back to a place of happiness, now that they have endured what they had previously so greatly feared.

This kind of crying seeks to restore a healthy state of mind...
the crying of avoidance does not,
it seeks instead to put up a fight until we get what we want.

When we complain about what life is bringing us, never fully accepting whatever it may be, these tears can go on for ages... Such tears can eventually turn to anger, and harden as our initial grief gets buried, and perhaps then depression sets in. Some of us even continue complaining to God about our pain, while consciously or unconsciously stubbornly refusing to release it.

An example of such tears we can all relate to, is what may happen after a painful break up or loss of a loved one. When we cannot accept the loss of another, and we complain and cry and tantrum inside, with no intention of really fully letting go and moving forward -- i.e., no intention of restoring a healthy and peaceful state of mind -- these tears never heal us. We are determined inside to not be happy until we can get whomever we've lost back. So instead of tears healing us, we remain stuck as complainers, grievers, and our tears can lead us into an ever deepening pit of despair. Not until we are willing to try to gradually let go, will these tears ever stop.

On the other hand, the tears of people who truly want to mourn their loss and move on to eventually find peace again, are tears which bring real healing. These are very 'sacred tears,' because of the commitment that person has to moving forward and truly finding happiness once again. In addition to crying, such a person often welcomes support, healing, and they may even be open to additional means and tools for recovery.

An especially beautiful example of healing tears are the tears we shed while crying for God, while being moved by listening to great music, while encountering pristine natural beauty or art, or while realizing or contemplating profound ideas and truths. Such tears can clear the way for our hearts merging with such overwhelming beauty itself. I believe one of the intrinsic day to day pains most of us live with, when we identify with our ego or ‘smaller selves,’ is due to a sense of separateness, a lack of love, and feeling a desire for union to heal our sense of separation.

Ammachi (The Holy Mother) says that 5 minutes of crying can be worth hours of meditation. Such tears represent an outpouring of our raw and honest pain. The profound cleansing they bring can be difficult to achieve in meditation, which is often an attempt at transcending the mind, and going above our pain. Such open tears are considered ‘sacred’ as we lay our fears, grief, and pain at the feet of the Divine, asking for real healing and liberation in the midst of whatever life brings. Such is an act of utter surrender, offering up our burdens to God.

So while observing ourselves and our tears, it may help to keep in mind that our intention is key... Are we looking to move forward, and do we want healing — or our we crying due to our un-willingness to let go of what feel we need or want?

Ammachi is known world-wide as the “Hugging Saint,” since She lovingly embraces all who come to Her for solace, upliftment, and blessings. As an inspiration to all seekers, She offers these beautiful words of hope if we decide to try to surrender, and bring our burdens to the Divine:

“If we take one step toward God,
God takes 1000 steps toward us…
If we cry one tear for God,
God cries 1000 tears for us!”

Ammachi (The Holy Mother)