How We Choose Our Partners - Invisible Laws Of Attraction

Years ago, I met a girl whom I had an overwhelming attraction to -- at first sight. I didn’t know her, but I was so taken by her and something about her energy, that I did something which was totally uncharacteristic of me -- I asked her out, on the spot. I almost never ask anyone out. I always wait until someone approaches me, and then I typically just spend little bits of time until we eventually end up going to lunch, dinner, etc. The process usually takes quite some time… But with this girl, things were different.

She agreed to going out, and we decided we would meet downtown at her apartment. When I arrived, she invited me into the building, and said she wanted to show me the view of the city lights from the roof. On the way to the roof stairway, we passed by her room. The door was open part way, and I was shocked to look at a scene which would have been unbelievable even for a staged and exaggerated movie set such as, “National Lampoon’s Animal House!” There was not a single area of the floor which didn’t have something strewn over it, clothes were even hanging from the lampshades, articles and objects looked like they had been randomly thrown and piled into every nook and cranny of the apartment. I would have been embarrassed to even let someone see a ‘closet’ in my home which looked like this! But as we passed by, she happily said with a big smile on her face, “Oh, by the way, this is my apartment.”

Well, the view from the roof was incredible, which was a bit more encouraging, and we eventually left to go out to eat. During dinner, however, she opened the conversation by saying, “You know, SDGE is threatening to turn off my electricity in the apartment!” I asked her why, and she said she can’t remember if she had paid the last few months of her electric bills… “I’m not even sure where they are,” she smiled coyly. Then she said, “and I kind of think I’m flunking out of college – in some of my classes I’m getting D’s and F’s.” I expressed my concern for what sounded like a rather difficult situation that she was in … and then she added, “I also think I may be getting fired from my job, I’ve missed a lot of days of work… It’s just so overwhelming to have part-time work and to go to school too.”

Well, by the end of our dinner conversation, to say that there were a few “red flags” on this first date would be an incredible understatement. I decided never to ask her out again, but for sometime after our encounter, I asked myself, “Why was I so overwhelmingly attracted to her ... What was there in her ‘energy’ that was so irresistible?”

It took months of reflection, but I came up with this conclusion -- She represented someone who was completely embracing qualities in herself that I could never embrace in me!

I keep my home very clean and presentable, especially if expecting guests, and I could never tolerate it messy or dirty. I always pay my bills on time, missing a payment would be very upsetting. I always had to get straight A’s in school, and even a B was not acceptable and not good enough. I’ve never been fired from a job, it would be devastating. And lastly, if any of these unpleasant things were somehow happening in my life, I would never want to divulge them on a first date!

Somehow, though, this girl could innocently live with and happily share all of these sides of herself -- sides of myself which I would judge most harshly. Thus, around her, I felt this shadow side of myself was completely embraced and fully loved. She therefore ‘COMPLETED ME’ – she could be with all parts of me which I couldn’t be with and judged about myself. This was the incredible attraction … I felt all of me was loved in her presence!

People who can love and fully embrace our shadow - the parts of us we judge in ourselves - make us feel whole.

If I had acted on this attraction though, blindly, and without carefully thinking things through, we would have never worked out as a couple. I would have had a hard time tolerating her outer behavior and lifestyle, even despite feeling such an incredible chemistry between us.

So people who we are attracted to are probably going to be those people who we feel ‘complete’ us. Good girls are attracted to “bad boys,” who have no guilt about their bad conduct or misbehavior. People from an alcoholic family are attracted to addicts, who may have no guilt or judgment over their indulgence. Fearful people are attracted to “dare devils,” who may live their lives at great risk. Shy people are attracted to “narcissists,” who seek to be worshipped, even at the expense of those around them. Such pairings, although natural, can’t last for long without great conflicts arising. Our attractions have to be carefully weighed and considered before we act upon them.

Meeting someone who ‘completes’ us, is not enough. They also need to have a good character that we can count on in the long term. For example, if someone has little interest or care about money, but pays their bills out of respect and concern for others, this would be a sign of inner freedom around money while electing to take the ‘HIGH ROAD’. If someone didn’t need to have a very clean home, but did so out of respect for guests, roommates, and/or in consideration of good hygiene, this would be electing to take the HIGH ROAD. If someone had little care for school, but performed well out of respect for it being a stepping stone for jobs or further education goals to come, that would be taking the HIGH ROAD. If a person had no issues in the past with alcohol or drugs, and chose to use them only moderately, out of respect for their bodies and others around them, this would be taking the HIGH ROAD.

One way of judging Good Character may be based on how many of these HIGH ROAD choices a person makes, instead of falling into behaviors and succumbing to habits which clearly are unhealthy or hurtful to themselves and others. To be around someone who truly can complete us and embrace the parts of ourselves we judge, and -- who doesn’t need to -- but still conducts themselves with good character, out of self-respect, care, and compassion for others, is a rare find.

Many of my healing clients have told me that they are lonely, or needy, or are just looking for someone to help soothe the pain of life. It's not uncommon for most of us to succumb to our strong physical, emotional, and energetic attractions to choose our friends and partners. But many of us feel stuck in these relationships, and experience extreme dissatisfaction.

But if we set good boundaries, and take time to try to use our discrimination and discernment to find someone who not only 'completes' us but has 'good character' -- who makes choices out of respect for themselves and care for others -- we can enjoy much longer-term happiness and compatibility in our relationships. 🌈💖🌈