Who Wants Detachment Anyway?
Many people come to me for their first healing sessions with goals which express a rather “low bar” for what they hope to achieve. They tell me, “Well … I guess I’d just like to feel less stressed” or “less upset”, or “get some relief” with regard to X, Y, or Z that is challenging in their lives.
I always counter their proposal — laughingly — with a much “higher bar” which I prefer to set as a goal for all of my healing sessions: and that is “Joy”. In my experience its only by helping a client to reach a state of feeling total joy, in-the-face-of whatever issues they are dealing with, that a person can find true healing and freedom. Peace represents a certain ‘absence of upset’, but the experience of joy indicates that all buttons or triggers around a particular subject have been healed, and what remains are feelings which just sparkle.
In a seminar with an Enlightened Spiritual Teacher by the name of Byron Katie, I once heard Her say, “‘Pleasure seeking’ and ‘Joy Seeking’ are 1000 miles apart.” I had no idea what She meant, it seemed to me that seeking joy and pleasure was basically the same. I pondered that statement for several months before some clarity arose… Pleasure seeking is about doing whatever we “like” to find happiness … Joy seeking is about learning to find happiness — here and now — in the midst of whatever we are doing or whatever life bring us.
I often share with people that finding Joy, and I believe all healing, is actually more of a process of shedding than acquiring. When we learn to let go of the pain of the past, and let go of worries about the future, what remains is the inner beauty which shines like we see in children after they cry. This shedding happens when we rise above and let go of what has been burdening us.
So who wants detachment anyway? People often think of the idea of “detachment” from only a negative standpoint. It sounds like a very dry kind of relinquishing of what we hold dear, similar to the notion of “renunciation” — and there is often a sense of loss we imagine will be accompanying the act of detachment.
But what’s crazy is that it is our “clinging” that truly results in our loss— when trying to hold on to something, we must renounce our freedom, and we come to find that it is we who are being controlled by whatever we cannot let go of. This can easily become an emotional roller coaster, when we try to hold on to things and or peope who are really out of our control. When we can’t let go, isn’t this truly renouncing our freedom and happiness?
“DETACHMENT IS NOT THAT YOU SHOULD OWN NOTHING —
BUT THAT NOTHING SHOULD OWN YOU”
Ali Ibn abi Talib
A truly detached person is not someone who is experiencing “indifference” or a kind of “emptiness” inside, instead he or she probably has a face with a radiant smile! They realize that their joy is more important than trying to cling to things which could to be taken away at a moment’s notice. What in life can we truly hold on to? Even our next breath is uncertain.
“He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.”
―William Blake
True love, thus, is also a hallmark of real detachment — unconditional positive regard without any strings attached. Attachment arises out of our neediness, trying to fulfill our own desires. Love arises out of fulfillment, and is accompanied by a desire to ‘give’. So when most people think of detachment, perhaps a picture of a monk comes to mind. But I would suggest the attainment of real and true detachment would look more like a Santa Claus! This is the quality we see in truly happy people.
“Attachment to the world makes it seem real, while detachment makes it a wondrous play.” ~ Amma
