The Mysterious Attraction Of Guilt
“Guilt & Self Judgment” are often very sticky things. When we feel guilty about something, we feel that beating ourselves up about it is actually an important part of paying for and atoning for our mis-deeds and errors. As such, guilt and self-judgment seem like a good thing to have, because in condemning ourselves, we at least feel a little more self-respect for not just overlooking our mistakes. We can feel comfort in the fact that at least we know the difference between right and wrong, and care about doing what’s right. So punishing ourselves – at least by holding on to guilt and self-blame -- seems like we’re taking responsibility for our sins, and truly making an effort to be better people. Aren’t there entire religious orders who consider themselves ‘holier’ and more pure when they admit their sins and condemn themselves and others for ‘evil’ actions?
A famous scene of monks chanting while hitting themselves with holy boards from the movie, "Monty Python And The Holy Grail"
My Spiritual Teacher Ammachi (The Holy Mother), clarifies and explains that becoming “Egoless” is not about thinking ‘less of ourselves’, but about ‘thinking of ourselves less’.
Thus, self-condemnation in many ways may even strengthen our egos. In self-condemnation, rather than letting go of our past pain, lightening our load and dissolving the self-concept of who we are in the process, we reinforce our past pain and also the negative self-concept of who we are. Our past wounds can become “cherished wounds” – important painful lessons which we feel we need to hold onto, which end up defining us and who we are. Many of us feel there is even a certain ‘nobility’ in never forgiving ourselves and letting ourselves ‘off the hook’. But when we label ourselves sinners, we cannot but help labeling others as sinners too. We hope calling ourselves sinners will teach us a valuable lesson about what we did wrong, and we hope it will help us to not repeat a mistake and to stay away from ‘bad’ people and their negative influences. This path does not encourage forgiveness for ourselves or others, but rather the opposite.
Our so-called ‘spiritual path’ becomes one which is more about distinguishing good from evil and right from wrong. Some religions seem to care more about laying down ‘The Law’. The more such distinctions we have, the more our lives become scarier and scarier, and narrower and narrower. Rather than our hearts expanding each day, and learning more and more to embrace others, our hearts shrink with our growing self-judgment and condemnation of others. We often seek to associate more with similar-minded people who have similar fear-based ideas, and we try to avoid encounters with ‘bad’ and dissimilar minded people. We thus end up living fear-based lives, since around every corner may be evil influences. On such a path, we may never feel able to let go, always having to control ourselves, and never being able to consider ourselves and others to be truly worthy of ultimate freedom, acceptance, and love.
I know few people who are totally free of self-judgment… they are about the same in number as the people who I believe are truly egoless in the world. It is a tremendous goal to walk toward and aspire too — even right now! Isn’t the vast majority of the weight we carry from our past due to self-judgment and guilt? Perhaps it’s time to start releasing that burden within us.
One more reason why guilt is very hard to let go of is that true ‘repentance’ is often very difficult to commit to. Say for example that we feel guilty for repetitively lying. If we were to truly repent, say we’re sorry before God and our own conscience, and ask for forgiveness by making a firm promise to never lie again, our guilt and self-judgment would easily fall away. Haven’t most of us had the experience that we could truly and totally forgive someone if they just said “I’m sorry,” and promised to never repeat what they did that hurt us. There’s something about true ‘repentance’ that is immediately freeing — for all parties involved. The path to forgiveness is beautifully portrayed in the tradition of the Catholic confessional, wherein people admit their ‘sins’ before God, receive their pennance, and then promise to go out and ‘sin no more’.
However, it is often difficult to commit to never repeating certain of our unwanted behaviors or habits. Some of them are deeply ingrained, and we can see no way to stop ourselves from ‘sinning again’. Thus, we chose to hold on to guilt and self-judgment, as we substitute at least a sense of self-punishment for our unwanted behaviors, since we feel that we cannot stop or change them. At first glance, it may seem crazy, but living with guilt and self-blame can become the more attractive option, versus trying hard to truly change! We may also be waiting for someone else to make an effort to change before we make an effort to change, and we’d rather live guilting and blaming them, then be the first to let go of our own judgment. In this situation, we hold on to our justifications for why we don’t forgive others … But this attitude stops us from ever becoming free of our own self-blame, since what we see and condemn in others actually only mirrors what we see and condemn in ourselves. Such self-sabotaging pain and blame patterns can persist over a lifetime.
As Jesus said … “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother's eye.” (Matthew 7:5)
There are many ways to break free of this cycle and release the burden of our guilt through healing work. I have many intuitive methods I use, and self-help techniques which I give, to aid people in achieving more and more inner freedom and a sense of lightness and joy. I try encouraging clients to stop exerting so much self-effort and control over their habits and addictions, especially if it is wasted energy. The goal is to completely let go of self-punishment, and to surrender the weight and complexity of the task of trying to change ourselves to the Divine. In giving over this burden, we can stop the inner fight, and engage in spiritual practices to raise our vibration, to become more peaceful, free, and happy — finding fulfillment from within. This helps us break the cycle and bondage of repeating so many of our habits and undesireable behaviors, always hoping and looking for fulfillment from outside of us.
Rediscovering our innocence, and letting go of our guilt, pretty much sums up most of what we want to achieve on the spiritual path.
It is a tremendous joy seeing the light of self-love and innocence return to the faces of those people I have the privilige of being able to help — an innocence which was only needing to be uncovered, and which was never ever truly lost!
